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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Toddler At That Cute Age Where Anything Can Be Projected On Them

KANSAS CITY, MO—Her family excitedly predicting her future with every adorable display, sources reported Monday that local toddler Olivia Copley is at that cute age where anything can be projected onto her. “Look at her banging on those little drums—you can tell she’s going to be a musician,” said her Aunt Sarah, joining the chorus of observers in the living room who determined that the 2-year-old’s cheerful personality meant she was going to be the most popular kid in school, or that she could very well be an Olympic runner after she dashed over to grab a juice box from her mother. “She just loves plopping down on the floor and flipping through her picture books. She’s gonna be smart, that one, a doctor or a lawyer, maybe even president. We’ll tell her we always knew, even when she was a baby.” At press time, the family members had gone quiet when Olivia violently knocked over her cousin, ripped his stuffed animal away from him, and could not stop giggling.

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