Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

HARLAN, KY—Stressing that he doesn’t require anything fancy, local 3-year-old Jacob McCormick told reporters Friday that he is only looking to purchase a sensible mid-range tricycle. “All I need is a safe, reliable trike that can get me around the driveway without tipping over,” said McCormick, adding that he didn’t need bells and whistles like walkie-talkies or motorcycle-revving sound effects, and that he would be just fine with a comfortable seat, sturdy handlebars, and, if possible, a small compartment where he can store one or two action figures. “As long as it has three wheels and can get me from point A to point B on the sidewalk in front of our house, I’ll be satisfied. I don’t want any flashy colors either, so I’d be happy with a simple red or blue tricycle—not pink. Pink is for girls.” At press time, while at Toys “R” Us with his parents, McCormick had decided to splurge on an all-black Lil Rider LED Space Traveler Trike for $79.99 and threw a tantrum when his mother told him he’d have to wait until his birthday a month from now.

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