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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

HARLAN, KY—Stressing that he doesn’t require anything fancy, local 3-year-old Jacob McCormick told reporters Friday that he is only looking to purchase a sensible mid-range tricycle. “All I need is a safe, reliable trike that can get me around the driveway without tipping over,” said McCormick, adding that he didn’t need bells and whistles like walkie-talkies or motorcycle-revving sound effects, and that he would be just fine with a comfortable seat, sturdy handlebars, and, if possible, a small compartment where he can store one or two action figures. “As long as it has three wheels and can get me from point A to point B on the sidewalk in front of our house, I’ll be satisfied. I don’t want any flashy colors either, so I’d be happy with a simple red or blue tricycle—not pink. Pink is for girls.” At press time, while at Toys “R” Us with his parents, McCormick had decided to splurge on an all-black Lil Rider LED Space Traveler Trike for $79.99 and threw a tantrum when his mother told him he’d have to wait until his birthday a month from now.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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