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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

HARLAN, KY—Stressing that he doesn’t require anything fancy, local 3-year-old Jacob McCormick told reporters Friday that he is only looking to purchase a sensible mid-range tricycle. “All I need is a safe, reliable trike that can get me around the driveway without tipping over,” said McCormick, adding that he didn’t need bells and whistles like walkie-talkies or motorcycle-revving sound effects, and that he would be just fine with a comfortable seat, sturdy handlebars, and, if possible, a small compartment where he can store one or two action figures. “As long as it has three wheels and can get me from point A to point B on the sidewalk in front of our house, I’ll be satisfied. I don’t want any flashy colors either, so I’d be happy with a simple red or blue tricycle—not pink. Pink is for girls.” At press time, while at Toys “R” Us with his parents, McCormick had decided to splurge on an all-black Lil Rider LED Space Traveler Trike for $79.99 and threw a tantrum when his mother told him he’d have to wait until his birthday a month from now.

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