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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility

Prominent members of the toddler community demand a marked increase in duck visibility in parks and ponds.
Prominent members of the toddler community demand a marked increase in duck visibility in parks and ponds.

WASHINGTON—High-ranking members of the toddler community made an impassioned appeal Tuesday for greater duck visibility, calling for more unobstructed views of the beloved waterfowl.

Speaking at a morning press conference just before nap time, the nation’s top toddlers implored policymakers to do everything in their power to boost the aquatic birds’ presence. The prominent tots told reporters that increasing the number of ducks in their line of sight would dramatically improve their ability to point and wave at nearby ducks.

“For years, ducks and our ability to view them readily has been crucial to our continued happiness and well-being, and so it follows that we must see more ducks,” said 3-year-old Cody Eads, president of the Toddler Coalition for Increased Duck Visibility, delivering a stirring address to reporters and fellow duck proponents. “We like ducks, and we like looking at ducks. We want to see yellow ducks, green ducks, and brown ducks.”

“Our position on this has never wavered, so we don’t understand why we aren’t seeing more ducks,” added Eads, who sources confirmed grew increasingly emotional, jutting out his lower lip, bursting into tears, and angrily throwing a block toward reporters.

The nation’s toddlers released this image detailing where they would like to see more ducks.

The powerful group of toddlers circulated a comprehensive strategy for increased duck visibility that recommends a sweeping expansion of the number of ducks present in the nation’s parks, meadows, ponds, rivers, and lakes.

The 10-point plan, which was scribbled on construction paper in numerous crayon colors, includes provisions relating to ducks, mallards, and even “giant, honking” geese, as well as a general push for more quacking. In addition, the proposal specifically seeks a dramatic increase in the number of adorable ducklings who can barely keep up with their mothers.

The plan also requires more ducks to emerge from ponds and shake the water from their feathers in a delightful flurry, and calls for a federally mandated 40 percent increase in such behavior by 2015.

“We cannot remain silent on this issue,” 2-year-old E.J. Benish told reporters while squatting on the ground in overalls covered in blueberry stains. “Needless to say, we would also like to observe ducks swimming, dunking their heads under water, and waddling across the grass.”

“For far too long the government has done nothing to bolster the quantity and quality of ducks within our field of vision,” Benish added. “They should be in a close enough proximity that we could reach out and pet the ducks if we so wished.”

The advocacy group’s call to arms has sparked significant grassroots action nationwide, with toddlers rallying en masse in support of increased duck visibility and making their demands known by loudly shouting, clapping, and jumping up and down. Sources confirmed many of the pint-sized protesters have refused to eat dinner, pick up toys, or use the potty until demands are met.

“We want to see more ducks over there, over there, and right there,” said 2-year-old protester Ryan Miller of Fredericksburg, VA, pointing in several directions. “We won’t rest until we get to watch ducks and feed them pieces of bread.”

In the past, the nation’s toddler leaders have lobbied for a higher frequency of bunny rabbits hopping across lawns, additional stories at bedtime, and another cookie.

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