After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse

ACHILLE, OK—Despite only recently gaining the ability to form complete sentences, 2-year-old Trevor Cornett was able to present a clearheaded and persuasive argument at the Achille County Fair Wednesday as to why one might be terrified of riding a horse. Trevor's parents, who had encouraged their son to pet the animal, were reportedly persuaded by their son's well-articulated line of reasoning to the contrary. "I assumed all children love horses, but Trevor made some interesting points about the frequency with which they grunt and show their teeth and their scary feet," Nancy Cornett, the toddler's mother, said. "I had never thought about it before, but, taking into account his small, delicate frame, it is entirely possible that he could fall off and die." Following their abrupt departure from the fair, the Cornetts were again impressed by their son's succinct and impassioned call for ice cream.

After Birth

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