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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tom Brady Autobiography Highlights The Highs And Highs Of Being Tom Brady

FOXBOROUGH, MA—A new autobiography by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the ups and even greater ups of being the three-time Super Bowl champion, sources confirmed Friday. "From the highest highs of winning two NFL MVP awards and marrying a Brazilian supermodel, to the more moderate highs of being a record-setting quarterback for the University of Michigan, this memoir is very personal and doesn't hold back," said Bryce Joplin, a representative from the book's publisher, Hyperion, adding that Tom Brady: A Life Of Joy And Painlessness goes on sale Tuesday. "On the one hand, readers will see the side of Tom they already know from the football field—a good-looking millionaire who is constantly winning—but on the other, they'll finally learn who Tom is off the field: a constant winner who is also a good-looking millionaire." Brady was not available for comment, as he was eating filet mignon at the best steakhouse in Boston while waiting for a call concerning a $20 million endorsement deal with Rolex.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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