adBlockCheck

Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady's decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar's power over the region's fans. "From a strictly political standpoint, the union of his family and the House of Youkilis spreads his authority into the realm of the Red Sox and allows him to check the power of the young aspirant Jacoby Ellsbury," said ESPNBoston.com reporter Mike Reiss, who has tracked Brady's rise since his Machiavellian overthrow of the once-great Drew Bledsoe. "Youkilis may not be a strategic genius, but he is powerful and unpredictable, and it's better to let him exercise his animal urges on Julie than it is to leave his twisted mind to plot and plan."The move is one of many the Patriots quarterback has made to reassert his authority following a disappointing Super Bowl battle; after making it known through his wife he was unhappy with his receivers, Wes Welker was drawn and quartered by Brady followers last week in the streets of Foxborough.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close