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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out

BALTIMORE—New York Times–bestselling author and noted putter-of-his-name-on-things Tom Clancy announced Monday that he is pleased with how Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Black Ops came out.

"I was a little worried at first that this game wouldn't meet my high standards, but it turned out that the licensing agreement looked great, the check cleared fine, and the packaging featured my name in really large, embossed type," Clancy said. "I'd like to congratulate whoever's responsible for yet another Tom Clancy job well done."

The author added that he is already excited about the team working on his next project, Tom Clancy's Renegade Sub Command, a military-techno thriller that will finance his next six trips to the Bahamas.

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