adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out

BALTIMORE—New York Times–bestselling author and noted putter-of-his-name-on-things Tom Clancy announced Monday that he is pleased with how Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Black Ops came out.

"I was a little worried at first that this game wouldn't meet my high standards, but it turned out that the licensing agreement looked great, the check cleared fine, and the packaging featured my name in really large, embossed type," Clancy said. "I'd like to congratulate whoever's responsible for yet another Tom Clancy job well done."

The author added that he is already excited about the team working on his next project, Tom Clancy's Renegade Sub Command, a military-techno thriller that will finance his next six trips to the Bahamas.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close