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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tom Coughlin Scores 2 Touchdowns In Season-Ending Speech To Giants Defense

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following the Giants' embarrassing 44-7 loss to the Vikings, 63-year-old head coach Tom Coughlin further manhandled the Giants defense Sunday, scoring two more touchdowns against them during the eight minutes of his season-ending speech. "In the end, Coach [Coughlin] just got the better of us," said defensive end Justin Tuck, who was later caught flat-footed by several reporters who added another touchdown during Tuck's postgame press conference. "He exploited our weaknesses, and we just couldn't stop him. I guess he just wanted it more than we did." Tuck later blamed a porous Giants defense for allowing play-by-play man Bob Papa and color commentator Carl Banks to score two more touchdowns and a field goal during their postgame remarks.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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