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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Tom Gilbert, Actor Who Portrays TV's Regis Philbin, To Leave 'Regis & Kelly' Show

NEW YORK—Actor Tom Gilbert, who for the past 44 years has portrayed the popular television personality Regis Philbin, announced last week he will be leaving the long-running morning program Live With Regis & Kelly, saying he has taken the beloved Regis character "as far as it can go."

Gilbert

The London-born actor told reporters that when he created the Philbin persona for The Joey Bishop Show in 1967, he never expected the character's spirited wisecracks and relentless energy to be so widely embraced by audiences. "It was often exhausting being Regis, but I'm still going to miss talking in that Bronx accent every day," said Gilbert, who has already begun to grow back his natural reddish-blond hair. "Now I can finally devote my creative energies to my first love, the West End stage, which I've been away from far too long." Producers of Live With Regis confirmed they are currently in talks to fill the role of Regis Philbin with actor Michael Zajackowski, best known for his work portraying TV's Noah Wyle.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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