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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tom Glavine: 'I'm Never Gonna Get My 300th Win, Am I?'

NEW YORK—Following a no-decision after two consecutive losses—a three-game span in which the Mets scored a combined three runs—Tom Glavine (5-3) shook his head while repeatedly mumbling "It's never gonna happen" at a post-game press conference Tuesday. "Five 20-win seasons and two stupid Cy Young awards, so what? It means nothing... I have nothing," said a visibly dejected Glavine to a crowd that included his wife, daughter, and stepson. "I should have retired when I had the chance, but now I'll just end my career as a loser. God, I am such a loser." Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez tried to cheer up Glavine with by telling him that at least his career hasn't been marred by injuries, to which Glavine responded, "Shut up."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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