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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tom Glavine Uses Pitching Metaphors To Explain Hitting

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—All-Star slugger and batting instructor David Wright failed to show up to a youth baseball clinic last Monday, forcing New York Mets pitcher Tom Glavine to use pitching metaphors while teaching hitting to the youngsters. "When you're in there toeing the rubber, a lot of times you'll want to give it the gas, but sometimes it's best to change it up," Glavine said while demonstrating a bunt down the third-base line. "But no matter what, approach every start like it's your last. Imagine it's the bottom of the ninth, 3-2 count, and you've got to get a strikeout if you want to win." Meanwhile, Wright, who was reportedly at another location wondering where Glavine was, told the pitchers at his clinic that their success will ultimately hinge on their ability to deliver hard line drives unless they are truly confident enough in their "stuff" to locate soft bloopers.

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