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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl

PHOENIX—Veteran rocker Tom Petty, known for such classic hits as "Mary Jane's Last Dance," "The Waiting," and "Refugee," announced Monday that he will be using the Super Bowl XLII Halftime Show as a forum to "test out" some new songs that he's been working really hard on lately. "There's this one cool one that I'm pretty excited about that's called, like, 'Down And Out,' because it has this really down-and-out-like 'feel' to it—it doesn't have a chorus yet, but I think we're gonna open with that," Petty said, describing the song as "like 'Free Fallin',' but weirder." "After that, we'll probably do two different versions of 'Rock Rock Rock (Yeah!)' and see which one the crowd likes better. Then I have this guitar riff which technically doesn't have a song to go with it but it sounds awesome, and then [keyboardist] Benmont [Tench] wrote a song about the Super Bowl that I said I'd let him play." Petty has told the 65,000 fans in attendance and the estimated 95 million TV viewers that any feedback, positive or negative, would be appreciated.

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