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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl

PHOENIX—Veteran rocker Tom Petty, known for such classic hits as "Mary Jane's Last Dance," "The Waiting," and "Refugee," announced Monday that he will be using the Super Bowl XLII Halftime Show as a forum to "test out" some new songs that he's been working really hard on lately. "There's this one cool one that I'm pretty excited about that's called, like, 'Down And Out,' because it has this really down-and-out-like 'feel' to it—it doesn't have a chorus yet, but I think we're gonna open with that," Petty said, describing the song as "like 'Free Fallin',' but weirder." "After that, we'll probably do two different versions of 'Rock Rock Rock (Yeah!)' and see which one the crowd likes better. Then I have this guitar riff which technically doesn't have a song to go with it but it sounds awesome, and then [keyboardist] Benmont [Tench] wrote a song about the Super Bowl that I said I'd let him play." Petty has told the 65,000 fans in attendance and the estimated 95 million TV viewers that any feedback, positive or negative, would be appreciated.

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