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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl

PHOENIX—Veteran rocker Tom Petty, known for such classic hits as "Mary Jane's Last Dance," "The Waiting," and "Refugee," announced Monday that he will be using the Super Bowl XLII Halftime Show as a forum to "test out" some new songs that he's been working really hard on lately. "There's this one cool one that I'm pretty excited about that's called, like, 'Down And Out,' because it has this really down-and-out-like 'feel' to it—it doesn't have a chorus yet, but I think we're gonna open with that," Petty said, describing the song as "like 'Free Fallin',' but weirder." "After that, we'll probably do two different versions of 'Rock Rock Rock (Yeah!)' and see which one the crowd likes better. Then I have this guitar riff which technically doesn't have a song to go with it but it sounds awesome, and then [keyboardist] Benmont [Tench] wrote a song about the Super Bowl that I said I'd let him play." Petty has told the 65,000 fans in attendance and the estimated 95 million TV viewers that any feedback, positive or negative, would be appreciated.

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