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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Tommy Lee Jones Tells Jimmy Fallon He Doesn't Want To Play Any Of His Little Fucking Games

NEW YORK—Prior to his appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon last week, actor Tommy Lee Jones informed the host that he had no intention of playing “any of [his] little fucking games,” according to sources at NBC. “Listen here, Howdy Doody, I’m not putting on a wig, I’m not doing your skits, I’m not reading any Mötley Crüe lyrics, and I’m sure as shit not singing the Men In Black song with your goddamn band,” said the Oscar winner, who was on the show to promote his film Hope Springs. “Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna walk out there, sit down, and tell you an amusing anecdote about my movie. Then you’re gonna roll the clip, thank me, and have a producer walk me to the elevator. That’s it. Nothing else. Zippo. I’m a 66-year-old man, for Christ’s sake. So you and your giddy little writing staff can just calm the fuck down.” Fallon reportedly replied by saying “awesome” eighteen times, and then instructed a production assistant to ensure singer Rickie Lee Jones stayed hidden in her dressing room until her surprise serenade of the similarly named guest.

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