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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Tommy Lee Jones Tells Jimmy Fallon He Doesn't Want To Play Any Of His Little Fucking Games

NEW YORK—Prior to his appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon last week, actor Tommy Lee Jones informed the host that he had no intention of playing “any of [his] little fucking games,” according to sources at NBC. “Listen here, Howdy Doody, I’m not putting on a wig, I’m not doing your skits, I’m not reading any Mötley Crüe lyrics, and I’m sure as shit not singing the Men In Black song with your goddamn band,” said the Oscar winner, who was on the show to promote his film Hope Springs. “Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna walk out there, sit down, and tell you an amusing anecdote about my movie. Then you’re gonna roll the clip, thank me, and have a producer walk me to the elevator. That’s it. Nothing else. Zippo. I’m a 66-year-old man, for Christ’s sake. So you and your giddy little writing staff can just calm the fuck down.” Fallon reportedly replied by saying “awesome” eighteen times, and then instructed a production assistant to ensure singer Rickie Lee Jones stayed hidden in her dressing room until her surprise serenade of the similarly named guest.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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