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Tonight In The Dome: Chris Bosh Left In A Hot Car By His Teammates, The NFL Bombs A Bootleg Merchandise Factory, And The Wish Zone Gives A Paralyzed Kid A Shot At Revenge

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Tonight In The Dome: Chris Bosh Left In A Hot Car By His Teammates, The NFL Bombs A Bootleg Merchandise Factory, And The Wish Zone Gives A Paralyzed Kid A Shot At Revenge

Spring training, the NCAA bubble, basketball and hockey's stretch run: the sports world is a whirling vortex and the SportsDome is the only spaceship with the proper magnetic resonance to cut through the high-frequency interference. Hop aboard the Good Ship SportsDome with your captains Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard as they guide you past the black holes and quasars and into the Class M planets hospitable to sports.

Win the space race by tuning in to Onion SportsDome on Tuesday Night at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

The Dome is so overstuffed with sports we might need to move some of it into a storage unit, including:

- All the latest on how Dwyane Wade and LeBron James abandoned poor, trusting teammate Chris Bosh in a hot car without cracking any windows

- Allegations that Jim Calhoun has been guilting recruits into playing for UConn by playing up the fact that he will die very soon

- The ongoing missile strike the NFL is conducting against Cambodian factories fabricating counterfeit merchandise

So sit back, relax and put your sports in the upright position. The Dome is landing on Tuesday at 8pm.

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