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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tonight In The Dome: Chris Bosh Left In A Hot Car By His Teammates, The NFL Bombs A Bootleg Merchandise Factory, And The Wish Zone Gives A Paralyzed Kid A Shot At Revenge

Spring training, the NCAA bubble, basketball and hockey's stretch run: the sports world is a whirling vortex and the SportsDome is the only spaceship with the proper magnetic resonance to cut through the high-frequency interference. Hop aboard the Good Ship SportsDome with your captains Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard as they guide you past the black holes and quasars and into the Class M planets hospitable to sports.

Win the space race by tuning in to Onion SportsDome on Tuesday Night at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

The Dome is so overstuffed with sports we might need to move some of it into a storage unit, including:

- All the latest on how Dwyane Wade and LeBron James abandoned poor, trusting teammate Chris Bosh in a hot car without cracking any windows

- Allegations that Jim Calhoun has been guilting recruits into playing for UConn by playing up the fact that he will die very soon

- The ongoing missile strike the NFL is conducting against Cambodian factories fabricating counterfeit merchandise

So sit back, relax and put your sports in the upright position. The Dome is landing on Tuesday at 8pm.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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