Tonight In The Dome: Coverage Of The 2011 Owners Combine, Gary Payton Returns, And A NASCAR Driver Caught Racing With A Prostitute In His Car

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Tonight In The Dome: Coverage Of The 2011 Owners Combine, Gary Payton Returns, And A NASCAR Driver Caught Racing With A Prostitute In His Car

Major League Baseball is headed to Florida and Arizona for spring training, and the SportsDome is serving up an Early Bird Special at its NEW TIME of 8/7c.  Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are grilling up some analysis and restocking the salad bar with fresh-picked sports.  Get in line and grab a chilled plate, because this Dome is All You Can Eat.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TUESDAY NIGHT at its NEW TIME at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

The latest baseball news isn't the only thing buzzing in the Dome tonight:

- All the legal fallout from the Daytona 500, where driver Taft Myers was pulled over mid-race Sunday and found with a prostitute in his car.

- The richest white men in the country are gathering in Indianapolis for the NFL Owners Combine.

- The NBA Hardwood boys are back for some post-All Star Game analysis, with former NBA superstar Gary Payton and the soul of basketball inventor Dr. James Naismith trapped in a turn-of-the-century music box.

The SportsDome's not waiting around.  Dome early and Dome often Tuesday night at 8.


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