Tonight In The Dome: Latest From The NFL Labor Talks and Tim Duncan's Claim That He Has Had Over 10,00 Platonic Relationships With Women

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Tonight In The Dome: Latest From The NFL Labor Talks and Tim Duncan's Claim That He Has Had Over 10,00 Platonic Relationships With Women

Spring training, the NFL labor crisis and March Madness are fighting it out in the trenches, and only the Dome has the heavy-duty Sports-Treads you need to blast through enemy lines and make the world safe for sports again. Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard lead the way as the SportsDome rips up the countryside and takes back the Rhineland in the name of sports purity.

Tune into SportsDome on Tuesday night at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

The Dome is scraping Sports off its grill, including:

- An NFL labor negotiations update, with players and owners reaching an agreement to screw over fans, and Commissioner Roger Goodell offering to play a few downs at QB if that would help.

- Widely reviled White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski in the hospital after several attempted murders, and police are combing through the tens of thousands of suspects who might have had a grudge against him.

- Tim Duncan's new autobiography reveals the Spurs star has had supportive, platonic friendships with 10,000 women in the course of his career.

Everyone loves sports in a foxhole, and you're staring down the barrel of the SportsDome.


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