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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tonight In The Dome: Latest From The NFL Labor Talks and Tim Duncan's Claim That He Has Had Over 10,00 Platonic Relationships With Women

Spring training, the NFL labor crisis and March Madness are fighting it out in the trenches, and only the Dome has the heavy-duty Sports-Treads you need to blast through enemy lines and make the world safe for sports again. Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard lead the way as the SportsDome rips up the countryside and takes back the Rhineland in the name of sports purity.

Tune into SportsDome on Tuesday night at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

The Dome is scraping Sports off its grill, including:

- An NFL labor negotiations update, with players and owners reaching an agreement to screw over fans, and Commissioner Roger Goodell offering to play a few downs at QB if that would help.

- Widely reviled White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski in the hospital after several attempted murders, and police are combing through the tens of thousands of suspects who might have had a grudge against him.

- Tim Duncan's new autobiography reveals the Spurs star has had supportive, platonic friendships with 10,000 women in the course of his career.

Everyone loves sports in a foxhole, and you're staring down the barrel of the SportsDome.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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