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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tonight In The Dome: Raiders Hire Their Next Three Coaches, The NBA Kidnapping Deadline And Vets Rush To Save A Dying Horse's Sperm

Sports news is breaking fast and breaking hard in the Onion SportsDome. Champion thoroughbred Rocky Top broke his leg running the Stapleton Derby, and vets have rushed to the horse's side in an attempt to masturbate him before he dies, so his valuable sperm can still be sold to other breeders and he will not be a total loss to the horse's owners.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TONIGHT 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

It's not just dying horses in the Dome. Mark Shepard and Alex Reiser are all keyed up for another outstanding Dome, including:

- Al Davis on a hiring spree, announcing the next three head coaches who will patrol the Oakland sidelines before being dismissed by Davis without cause.

- The New York Knicks making some big moves at the NBA Kidnapping deadline. Full analysis with the Dome's NBA crew.

- And an everlasting tribute to the power of sports, with the debut of OSN's new OSN Anthem.

The Dome knows only Sports. Get to know it.

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