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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tonight In The Dome: Raiders Hire Their Next Three Coaches, The NBA Kidnapping Deadline And Vets Rush To Save A Dying Horse's Sperm

Sports news is breaking fast and breaking hard in the Onion SportsDome. Champion thoroughbred Rocky Top broke his leg running the Stapleton Derby, and vets have rushed to the horse's side in an attempt to masturbate him before he dies, so his valuable sperm can still be sold to other breeders and he will not be a total loss to the horse's owners.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TONIGHT 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

It's not just dying horses in the Dome. Mark Shepard and Alex Reiser are all keyed up for another outstanding Dome, including:

- Al Davis on a hiring spree, announcing the next three head coaches who will patrol the Oakland sidelines before being dismissed by Davis without cause.

- The New York Knicks making some big moves at the NBA Kidnapping deadline. Full analysis with the Dome's NBA crew.

- And an everlasting tribute to the power of sports, with the debut of OSN's new OSN Anthem.

The Dome knows only Sports. Get to know it.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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