Tonight In The Dome: Shaq To Be Traded And Broken Down For Parts, The Last Word On Super Bowl XLV, And More

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Tonight In The Dome: Shaq To Be Traded And Broken Down For Parts, The Last Word On Super Bowl XLV, And More

If your hair and teeth are falling out and your skin is covered with seeping blisters, you're still dealing with the Super Bowl fallout. The Green Bay Packers are Super Bowl XLV champs, and Mark Shepard and Alex Reiser are setting up a pigskin triage in the SportsDome with all the latest deets on Green Bay's win, the Steelers' bumbling giveaways and reaction from millions of men who look exactly like Mike McCarthy.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TUESDAY 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

It's not just Super Bowl. Here's the rest of what we're working on:

  • Shaquille O'Neal dealt to the Mavericks, who will dissect the big man and distribute his muscles and organs to their starting five.
  • The Baltimore Orioles are looking to bridge the revenue gap in the AL East by turning Camden Yards into a fully-functioning slaughterhouse.
  • Highlights of one man's epic battle against life.

All that and a Sports-Bird stuffed with Super Bowl analysis in the SportsDome.


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