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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Tonight's DNC Program To Be Just 3 Hours Of Osama Bin Laden's Blown-Off Face Projected Onto Screen

CHARLOTTE, NC—According to high-level campaign sources, the second night of the Democratic National Convention will consist solely of three straight hours of the late al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s bloody, bullet-mauled face being projected on every screen and monitor in the Time Warner Cable Arena. “From 8 to 11 p.m., we’re going to dim the house lights and show bin Laden’s blown-off face, bloodstained cranial fragments, and exploded brain matter from every conceivable angle—everything from ultra close-ups of his gaping forehead wound to wider shots showing the immense pool of blood pouring from his shattered skull,” said Obama campaign press secretary Ben LaBolt, noting that for the 10 p.m. network television broadcast hour, a massive 60-foot screen in the center of the stadium would be lowered to display a continuous loop of never-before-seen high-definition footage of the terrorist mastermind’s face being ripped apart by bullets. “We can’t think of a better way to finally release these photographs. The slow-zoom portion of the program where the camera essentially goes into bin Laden’s empty eye socket and you can see all the dangling cerebral tissue and nerve endings should be very powerful. It’s going to be a fantastic night!” LaBolt said the images of bin Laden would be introduced by his fourth wife, Siham Saber.

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