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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tony Dungy Casually Asks Michael Vick If Dogfighting Was Fun

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a preseason conditioning workout Tuesday, Michael Vick's de facto mentor, Tony Dungy, peppered the troubled quarterback with innocent questions about the sport of dogfighting, offhandedly inquiring about how "cool" it is. "So, yeah, how fun was that, anyway, the whole dogfighting thing?" asked Dungy, while the two jogged side-by-side during a cooldown. "Must have been a real rush watching those dogs go at it like that, huh? Morally reprehensible, of course, but, man, it's got to be tempting to head back to the pit and just mix it up a little. Good thing you're not doing that anymore. So bad." Dungy later showed Vick a photo of his new pit bull, Tex, and asked him what he thought.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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