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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tony Dungy On Meeting With Rex Ryan: 'That Fucking Cocksucker Is A Good Shit'

NEW YORK—After briefly speaking with Jets coach Rex Ryan about his excessive use of expletives during the HBO show Hard Knocks, NBC football analyst Tony Dungy admitted Monday that "the fat cocksucker is real fucking good shit." "We were yapping our dicks off on the fucking telephone… I had a goddamned great conversation with that lovable fucking asshole," said Dungy, adding that he and the "huge ass-muncher" hit it off right away. "That cock-gobbling bastard understood that none of this shit is fucking personal. We had an asshole-to-asshole talk and now me and the big twat are tight as fuck." Dungy said he had apologized to "Lard Dick" for being "such a little bitch" about the goddamn swearing and accepted Ryan's offer to tour the Jets' asshole.

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