adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium

SAN DIEGO—Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn's name was uttered 72 times and indirectly referenced on another 36 instances during a guided tour of Petco Park, sources reported Tuesday. "There's Tony Gwynn's No. 19 over the center field wall there, and beyond that is the picnic area where countless Padre fans have chanted Tony Gwynn's name or at least thought about Tony Gwynn," said tour guide Hank Classon, adding that Tony Gwynn would have patrolled right field in Petco Park had he not retired three years before it opened. "Our groundskeepers always keeps the pitcher's mound pristine, since that's where we wish to have Padres great Tony Gwynn throw out the first pitch of all our future games. Look, everyone, there's manager Bud Black! Yes, I wish he were Tony Gwynn." Current Padres slugger Adrian Gonzalez was mentioned zero times.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close