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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote

PITTSBURGH—Despite the hard-fought defensive struggle between the Steelers and the Ravens playing out before him, ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser was able to complete a rant decrying guttural noises in women's tennis Monday night without acknowledging the football game in any way. "I was watching it, and I could hear for myself: Maria Sharapova literally grunted on a drop shot," Kornheiser said while the Steelers scored on a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes and recovered a Joe Flacco fumble for another score, all in a 15-second span of game time. Kornheiser also effectively cut off Ron Jaworski's detailed description of the breakdown in the Ravens' pass protection, saying, "It's a drop shot, you know? Why do you need to do that? I can make a drop shot without grunting, for God's sake. The other day I came to the net, no grunt. Then the ball came back whizzing past my head at about a hundred miles an hour. But ya know, she plays tennis, I play tennis. Tennis is tennis. Is grunting tennis? It is not." Though Jeff Reed's game-winning kick in overtime was unable to capture Kornheiser's attention sufficiently enough to penetrate the anecdote, a shot of a mildly overweight fan celebrating in the stands did prompt Kornheiser to conjecture that the fan "heard lunch was a buffet."

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