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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote

PITTSBURGH—Despite the hard-fought defensive struggle between the Steelers and the Ravens playing out before him, ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser was able to complete a rant decrying guttural noises in women's tennis Monday night without acknowledging the football game in any way. "I was watching it, and I could hear for myself: Maria Sharapova literally grunted on a drop shot," Kornheiser said while the Steelers scored on a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes and recovered a Joe Flacco fumble for another score, all in a 15-second span of game time. Kornheiser also effectively cut off Ron Jaworski's detailed description of the breakdown in the Ravens' pass protection, saying, "It's a drop shot, you know? Why do you need to do that? I can make a drop shot without grunting, for God's sake. The other day I came to the net, no grunt. Then the ball came back whizzing past my head at about a hundred miles an hour. But ya know, she plays tennis, I play tennis. Tennis is tennis. Is grunting tennis? It is not." Though Jeff Reed's game-winning kick in overtime was unable to capture Kornheiser's attention sufficiently enough to penetrate the anecdote, a shot of a mildly overweight fan celebrating in the stands did prompt Kornheiser to conjecture that the fan "heard lunch was a buffet."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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