adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote

PITTSBURGH—Despite the hard-fought defensive struggle between the Steelers and the Ravens playing out before him, ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser was able to complete a rant decrying guttural noises in women's tennis Monday night without acknowledging the football game in any way. "I was watching it, and I could hear for myself: Maria Sharapova literally grunted on a drop shot," Kornheiser said while the Steelers scored on a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes and recovered a Joe Flacco fumble for another score, all in a 15-second span of game time. Kornheiser also effectively cut off Ron Jaworski's detailed description of the breakdown in the Ravens' pass protection, saying, "It's a drop shot, you know? Why do you need to do that? I can make a drop shot without grunting, for God's sake. The other day I came to the net, no grunt. Then the ball came back whizzing past my head at about a hundred miles an hour. But ya know, she plays tennis, I play tennis. Tennis is tennis. Is grunting tennis? It is not." Though Jeff Reed's game-winning kick in overtime was unable to capture Kornheiser's attention sufficiently enough to penetrate the anecdote, a shot of a mildly overweight fan celebrating in the stands did prompt Kornheiser to conjecture that the fan "heard lunch was a buffet."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close