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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tony Romo Asks Doctors To X-Ray His Stuffed Animal's Hand Too

DALLAS—Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo requested that radiologists examining the thumb on his non-throwing hand Monday also X-ray the sore paw of Mr. Snuggy Puff, Romo's stuffed bunny. "He's got a boo-boo and he doesn't feel good, either," said Romo, who wrapped the stuffed animal's left limb in toilet paper to create a makeshift cast. "You need to look inside of it to make sure he can still hop around the pillows before bedtime." Romo, who confirmed he did not cry once during the entire visit to the doctor's office, also told the nurse that Mr. Snuggy Puff needed his own lollipop.

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