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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Tony Romo Comes Out Of Bye Week Addicted To Heroin

IRVING, TX—Disoriented and disheveled Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, dressed in stained clothing and reeking of urine, returned to the Cowboys practice facilities Monday and told his teammates he would do anything to score more heroin. According to team sources, the visibly strung-out Romo dressed for practice with difficulty, walked up to his offensive line, and collapsed under center Andre Gurode before going into mild convulsions and breaking out in a cold sweat. "Get me Popcorn Jones, I gotta see, see him, need to, please, just a little, you holding?" said Romo, rigorously scratching inside the elbow of his throwing arm. "What do you want me to do? I'll throw a touchdown. I will, damn it. Just—I'm fucking dying here. Anything. I'll suck your dick right now. Help me out." Romo was dismissed from practice early for undisclosed medical reasons and is currently nodding off on a filthy mattress in the condemned tenement building where he has been staying lately.

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