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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tony Romo Comes Out Of Bye Week Addicted To Heroin

IRVING, TX—Disoriented and disheveled Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, dressed in stained clothing and reeking of urine, returned to the Cowboys practice facilities Monday and told his teammates he would do anything to score more heroin. According to team sources, the visibly strung-out Romo dressed for practice with difficulty, walked up to his offensive line, and collapsed under center Andre Gurode before going into mild convulsions and breaking out in a cold sweat. "Get me Popcorn Jones, I gotta see, see him, need to, please, just a little, you holding?" said Romo, rigorously scratching inside the elbow of his throwing arm. "What do you want me to do? I'll throw a touchdown. I will, damn it. Just—I'm fucking dying here. Anything. I'll suck your dick right now. Help me out." Romo was dismissed from practice early for undisclosed medical reasons and is currently nodding off on a filthy mattress in the condemned tenement building where he has been staying lately.

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