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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tony Romo Comes Out Of Bye Week Addicted To Heroin

IRVING, TX—Disoriented and disheveled Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, dressed in stained clothing and reeking of urine, returned to the Cowboys practice facilities Monday and told his teammates he would do anything to score more heroin. According to team sources, the visibly strung-out Romo dressed for practice with difficulty, walked up to his offensive line, and collapsed under center Andre Gurode before going into mild convulsions and breaking out in a cold sweat. "Get me Popcorn Jones, I gotta see, see him, need to, please, just a little, you holding?" said Romo, rigorously scratching inside the elbow of his throwing arm. "What do you want me to do? I'll throw a touchdown. I will, damn it. Just—I'm fucking dying here. Anything. I'll suck your dick right now. Help me out." Romo was dismissed from practice early for undisclosed medical reasons and is currently nodding off on a filthy mattress in the condemned tenement building where he has been staying lately.

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