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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

DALLAS—Despite suffering several bruised ribs during last weekend’s 36-31 victory over the New York Giants, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo told reporters Friday that the injury will in no way hinder his performance in an upcoming recital of Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. “I might not be 100 percent by the opening scene, but it shouldn’t affect my pirouetting motion at all, or my ability to plié and hit a grand jeté at full speed,” said Romo, adding that while he has experienced some soreness in recent days, any discomfort will “absolutely not” diminish his role as Odette, Queen of the Swans. “Look, these things happen during ballet season. It’s been feeling better during rehearsal, so I’ll definitely be out there for all four acts this Saturday night. Sometimes you have to just dance through the pain, because at the end of the day, it’s all about the ensemble.” Romo did confirm, however, that he plans to wear a brace underneath his bodice to protect his ribcage while being lifted into the air.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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