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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

DALLAS—Despite suffering several bruised ribs during last weekend’s 36-31 victory over the New York Giants, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo told reporters Friday that the injury will in no way hinder his performance in an upcoming recital of Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. “I might not be 100 percent by the opening scene, but it shouldn’t affect my pirouetting motion at all, or my ability to plié and hit a grand jeté at full speed,” said Romo, adding that while he has experienced some soreness in recent days, any discomfort will “absolutely not” diminish his role as Odette, Queen of the Swans. “Look, these things happen during ballet season. It’s been feeling better during rehearsal, so I’ll definitely be out there for all four acts this Saturday night. Sometimes you have to just dance through the pain, because at the end of the day, it’s all about the ensemble.” Romo did confirm, however, that he plans to wear a brace underneath his bodice to protect his ribcage while being lifted into the air.

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