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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Tony Romo Notices Star On Cowboys Helmet For First Time

DALLAS—Entering his 11th season with the franchise, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo reportedly noticed the star on the Cowboys helmet for the first time Tuesday, excitedly pointing out the logo to his teammates and coaches. “Whoa, look at that, it’s a star like the kind they have in the sky,” said Romo, who acknowledged that he couldn’t see the star on his helmet while wearing the protective equipment. “Wait a second, is there one on the other side? Or is that the same star and it just jumps back and forth? There’s so much stuff you don’t ever see unless you look really close. There’s all these letter things on the back of our jerseys, and mine has an upside-down six.” Romo also told reporters that the star appeared similar to “the one in the middle of the field” that he had found last week.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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