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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tony Romo Practicing For First Time Since Surgery To Remove Ovarian Cyst

OXNARD, CA—According to sources inside the Dallas Cowboys training staff, quarterback Tony Romo returned to the practice field Thursday for the first time since undergoing surgery to remove a painful ovarian cyst. “Tony appears to have responded well to the procedure, and given the rate at which his ovarian cyst was growing, I'm glad we got in there when we did,” said Dr. Peter Baskin, who removed the four inch fluid-filled sac after the signal-caller reported constant abdominal discomfort during voluntary OTA’s. “If we had waited any longer, it very well could have spread to his uterus. Hopefully Tony can still have children.” Baskin told reporters that there will most likely be some scarring along the fallopian tubes, but Romo’s range of motion should remained unaffected.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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