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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tony Romo Regrets Eating Greasy Fried Chicken During Crucial Field-Goal Attempt

DALLAS—Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, whose bobbling of the snap on a crucial fourth-quarter field goal ended the season for Dallas, took full responsibility for the gaffe Wednesday by admitting he should not have been eating a bucket of grease-covered fried chicken while play was in progress. "I keep running through it in my mind—Martin Gramatica lines up the kick, I kneel and put down my bucket of chicken with my left hand, I transfer the chicken leg in my right hand to my mouth to hold it there, I signal for the snap, and the ball slips right off my fingers," Romo told reporters while cleaning out his locker at the Cowboy's practice facility. "It could easily have been the chicken grease, which sickens me—this was a play we'd run a hundred times in practice. But this time I let the chicken get in the way." Romo promised to make improving his ball- and fried-chicken-handling skills a priority in the offseason.

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