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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tony Stewart Calls Upcoming Allstate 400 'A Great Opportunity To Kill Someone'

INDIANAPOLIS—Just days after accepting full responsibility for a wreck that knocked Clint Boyer and Carl Edwards out of the Pocono 500, Tony Stewart said he had put the incident behind him and was focusing his energies on the possible fatal crashes he could cause in the upcoming Allstate 400 at the Brickyard. "Indy is a great track with a lot of history, and I'd love to add to that history by running someone's car full-speed into the wall in the short-chutes after Turns 1 and 3, or spinning them down pit lane, or even bumping them into the infield, and killing them," Stewart told reporters shortly after arriving at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. "I'd also love to win, if possible, but I have to run my own race." NASCAR's Competition Committee has already issued a warning to Stewart advising him to "refrain from making incendiary comments" and to "save that sort of thing for the racetrack."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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