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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tony Stewart Gets Into Fight With Car

ATLANTA—Although Tony Stewart and his Old Spice Chevrolet rallied from two laps down to finish a respectable eighth in Sunday's Kobalt Tools 500, Stewart had to be retrained from assaulting his number 14 Impala immediately after the race. "You understeering tire-eating hunk of junk," Stewart said to the car, his knuckles bleeding from the blows he managed to land on his car's fenders and roof before his pit crew intervened. "I ought to have put you into the wall myself, so help me God. You had best shape up before the Food City 500 or so help me God I won't be responsible for what I do to you." Stewart later issued an apology to the car, saying his remarks were made in anger and that he looked forward to their continued partnership.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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