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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Tony Stewart: 'I Can't Believe The Other Drivers Fell For That 'Safety' Crap'

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—2005 Nextel Cup champion Tony Stewart, who consistently preached the importance of safety in the weeks leading up to the Daytona 500 only to be involved in several on-track incidents during the race, said Tuesday he simply couldn't believe that anyone was taken in by his "safety crap." "I mean, come on, this is me we're talking about here," said Stewart, who admitted to purposefully sending Matt Kenseth spinning down the track directly in the path of other drivers while on his way to a fifth-place finish. "Everyone should know I don't give a damn. I knocked Matt out of the way, I took a good run at Jeff Gordon, and if by-God Jay Leno and his pace car had gotten in my way, I'd have wrecked his ass, too." After receiving a reprimand from NASCAR's public-relations department for his comments, Stewart promised he would henceforth conduct himself in a manner befitting a champion, adding only, "Suckers."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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