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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Tony Stewart: 'I Can't Believe The Other Drivers Fell For That 'Safety' Crap'

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—2005 Nextel Cup champion Tony Stewart, who consistently preached the importance of safety in the weeks leading up to the Daytona 500 only to be involved in several on-track incidents during the race, said Tuesday he simply couldn't believe that anyone was taken in by his "safety crap." "I mean, come on, this is me we're talking about here," said Stewart, who admitted to purposefully sending Matt Kenseth spinning down the track directly in the path of other drivers while on his way to a fifth-place finish. "Everyone should know I don't give a damn. I knocked Matt out of the way, I took a good run at Jeff Gordon, and if by-God Jay Leno and his pace car had gotten in my way, I'd have wrecked his ass, too." After receiving a reprimand from NASCAR's public-relations department for his comments, Stewart promised he would henceforth conduct himself in a manner befitting a champion, adding only, "Suckers."

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