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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tony Stewart: 'I Can't Believe The Other Drivers Fell For That 'Safety' Crap'

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—2005 Nextel Cup champion Tony Stewart, who consistently preached the importance of safety in the weeks leading up to the Daytona 500 only to be involved in several on-track incidents during the race, said Tuesday he simply couldn't believe that anyone was taken in by his "safety crap." "I mean, come on, this is me we're talking about here," said Stewart, who admitted to purposefully sending Matt Kenseth spinning down the track directly in the path of other drivers while on his way to a fifth-place finish. "Everyone should know I don't give a damn. I knocked Matt out of the way, I took a good run at Jeff Gordon, and if by-God Jay Leno and his pace car had gotten in my way, I'd have wrecked his ass, too." After receiving a reprimand from NASCAR's public-relations department for his comments, Stewart promised he would henceforth conduct himself in a manner befitting a champion, adding only, "Suckers."

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