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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey

DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week's 30-24 loss to the Arizona Cardinals and is expected to miss the next month after suffewing a sevewy bwoken wight pinkie-winkie.

Team doctors originally believed Womo's poor, poor bwoken fingey was merewy spwained, despite the quarterback insisting that his pinkie felt really, really, really ouchie after being hit by wots and wots of big mean mans during the first play of overtime.

The Cowboys are denying rumors that Womo will require weconstwuctive pinkie surgewy, insisting that it is only a bad owie and that Womo will not be placed on injuwed weserve.

"Tony has been very, very bwave through all this and barely cried at all when he heard his widdle fingey was in fact bwoken," coach Wade Phillips said Monday, explaining that Womo was "westing comfiwy" and watching cartoons at home and had thus far managed to keep his pinkie out of his mouth. "I'd say he's week to week, but it's up to the team medics to say when he's completely all-better-now."

The Cowboys originally sensed something was wrong when Womo threw three straight incomplete passes to begin the overtime after being sacked three times and knocked down 19 times during regulation by meanie-bullies who hate him. Their suspicions were confirmed when Womo blubbered to them on the sidelines while holding up his hurted fingey.

Womo was immediately given an orange-flavored St. Joseph aspirin and a wowwypop while a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid was applied to the pinkie. When this proved inadequate, Cowboys head pediatrician Daniel "Doctor Danny" Cooper inspected Womo's pinkie while trainers distracted Womo by making a spoon into an airplane and "flying" chocolate ice cream into the quarterback's mouth.

"This was more than just the normal boo-boo," Cooper told reporters. "Tony has played through boo-boos before, like any team weader and big gwown-up boy has to. But when I saw the quivering chin, the big wet eyes, and the way he was hopping from foot to foot while holding up his widdle bitty widdy fingey, I knew this one was bad."

The NFL said no fine would be given on the hit, as it seemed to be an honest accident and no flag for roughhousing the passer was thrown on the play. It is not known whether Womo will stomp his widdle foot and complain louder to the NFL regarding the decision.

Phillips confirmed that 40-year-old backup quarterback Brad Johnson will start as long as Womo's pinkie is still an ouchie pinkie.

"It's unfortunate for the poor tyke to have to go through something like this," said Johnson, who hasn't started an NFL game since 2006. "But you know, when they're little quarterbacks they sometimes take big spills. This will just make Tony-wony tougher when he grows up. I hope."

In other Cowboys news, Adam "Pacman" Jones is still grounded for the rest of his life, or at least until he learns to stop back-sassing, and receiver Terrell Owens is listed as "probable" for Sunday's game despite suffering a chronic case of turf piggy.

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