Too Much Expected From Nap

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Too Much Expected From Nap

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University sophomore Derek Sellars drastically overestimated the mental clarity, physical replenishment, and restorative power he would attain from a 7 p.m. nap Tuesday. "I thought I'd feel fresh and good to go for the rest of the night," said Sellars, who added that the brief sleep completely failed to give him the wherewithal to complete his calculus assignment or inspire a "great topic" for his 19th-century English Literature class paper due Wednesday morning. "I couldn't really tell what day it was and I was all sweaty. In fact, I felt more tired somehow." Despite the setback, Sellars plans to work straight through until his next 30-minute nap, scheduled for 3 a.m.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close