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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Too Much Expected From Nap

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University sophomore Derek Sellars drastically overestimated the mental clarity, physical replenishment, and restorative power he would attain from a 7 p.m. nap Tuesday. "I thought I'd feel fresh and good to go for the rest of the night," said Sellars, who added that the brief sleep completely failed to give him the wherewithal to complete his calculus assignment or inspire a "great topic" for his 19th-century English Literature class paper due Wednesday morning. "I couldn't really tell what day it was and I was all sweaty. In fact, I felt more tired somehow." Despite the setback, Sellars plans to work straight through until his next 30-minute nap, scheduled for 3 a.m.

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