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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Too Much Expected From Nap

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University sophomore Derek Sellars drastically overestimated the mental clarity, physical replenishment, and restorative power he would attain from a 7 p.m. nap Tuesday. "I thought I'd feel fresh and good to go for the rest of the night," said Sellars, who added that the brief sleep completely failed to give him the wherewithal to complete his calculus assignment or inspire a "great topic" for his 19th-century English Literature class paper due Wednesday morning. "I couldn't really tell what day it was and I was all sweaty. In fact, I felt more tired somehow." Despite the setback, Sellars plans to work straight through until his next 30-minute nap, scheduled for 3 a.m.

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