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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Top 10 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 23, 2012

This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Chris Evans Would Be Good Nicholas Sparks (Grand Central, $12.99) A young man dreams of the simple country girl he left behind and of the actor who might portray him in the film adaptation.
  2. Depressing-Occasion Cakes Martha Stewart (Clarkson Potter, $34.99) From funeral tortes to divorce flans, the best desserts for the worst moments of your life.
  3. Shoving Live Cats Into A Garbage Disposal Ann Coulter (Crown Forum, $29.99) The bestselling author takes a break from politics to tackle a subject near and dear to her heart.
  4. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99) With this august volume, The Onion shall strike a mortal blow to ignorance everywhere and shatter any pitiful illusions the world once had about how many copies could be sold.
  5. Keeps Me From Stinkin’ Jeff Foxworthy (Villard, $12.95) The popular comedian and game show host details why he bathes regularly.
  6. Killing Nicole Bill O’Reilly (Henry Holt, $19.99) The O’Reilly Factor host explains how he would have killed O.J. Simpson’s wife had anyone asked him.
  7. Lies Of The Prisoner Patricia Cornwell, James Patterson, and Dean Koontz (Bantam, $28.95) Cornwell, Patterson, and Koontz team up to write the ultimate airport bookstore novel.
  8. The Bible (Penguin, $12.99) A merciful God’s patience is tested by the hijinks of man.
  9. The New Miracle Diet Frank Meriwether, M.D. (Touchstone, $19.95) Dr. Meriwether explains how you can easily lose weight by replacing one meal every day with a cashew-based slurry.
  10. Of Mice And Men And Zebras Tim Showenstal (Quark, $15.99) The John Steinbeck classic gets the zebra treatment in this latest mashup iteration.

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