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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of April 16, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Kurt Vonnegut: The Shopping Lists Kurt Vonnegut (HarperCollins, $21.95) Devotees of the late writer will love this latest collection of shopping lists he took with him to the grocery store in case he forgot something.
  2. I Bet The Publishing Company $1,000,000 They Wouldn’t Publish This Martin Van Hulken (Penguin, $19.99) And now the author really regrets doing that.
  3. Fur Burger: The Sexy Side of Sesame Street Frank Oz (Simon & Schuster, $24.99) Muppet veteran Oz sheds light on the behind-the-scenes sexual underworld of the Children’s Television Workshop.
  4. Hey, Get Off Of There! Ben Falser (Random House, $23.99) A list of stuff you shouldn’t be standing on.
  5. The Quran (Avery, $20.50) The audiobook version of the Islamic holy book continues to sell briskly. Narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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