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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of July 23, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Hopscotch David Herowitz (Manning, $18.99) A book with a fun-sounding title, but the cover’s dark colors and bold fonts make it clear that it’s actually a thriller.
  2. The Sun: An Autobiography The Sun (Knopf, $24.99) The exothermic ball of gas at the center of our solar system takes the reader through its 4.57-billion-year life, from its humble start in the fashion journalism industry to becoming the life-giving celestial body that it is today.
  3. The Woman Who Had Surprising Things Happen To Her In Regular Intervals Janet Bergan (Noir Books, $12.99) A story of a woman who had exciting, increasingly tense events happen to her in chapter-length installments.
  4. Building Bridges Chris Rogers (McGraw-Hill, $40.00) A guide for building suspension bridges. Sorry if you thought the bridges were going to be metaphors.
  5. How To Sit Comfortably John ‘Gangles’ Carling (Bantam Books, $14.99) 101 sitting strategies for men with really long, dangly legs.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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