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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. There’s Not A Lot Of Food Henry Devlin (Random House, $22.95) An author with no scientific background imagines what it would be like to live on Mars.
  2. A Tale Of Two Cities: To Be Clear, I Was Talking About Caracas And Seattle Charles Dickens (Dover, $6.99) In this recently discovered addendum to the Dickens classic, the famed author specifically spells out, in no uncertain terms, exactly which two cities he was talking about.
  3. A Much Easier Day Mark Owen (Dutton, $12.95) The former Navy SEAL recalls the day after he killed Osama bin Laden.
  4. The Page-Turner Judy Kramptz (McGill Radley, $108.99) New technology lets you lean back and put your hands behind your head as the book does all the work. What’s it about? It doesn’t matter, just enjoy.
  5. Time to Die James Mercer (Uptown, $14.99) A guide to post-retirement.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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