Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. There’s Not A Lot Of Food Henry Devlin (Random House, $22.95) An author with no scientific background imagines what it would be like to live on Mars.
  2. A Tale Of Two Cities: To Be Clear, I Was Talking About Caracas And Seattle Charles Dickens (Dover, $6.99) In this recently discovered addendum to the Dickens classic, the famed author specifically spells out, in no uncertain terms, exactly which two cities he was talking about.
  3. A Much Easier Day Mark Owen (Dutton, $12.95) The former Navy SEAL recalls the day after he killed Osama bin Laden.
  4. The Page-Turner Judy Kramptz (McGill Radley, $108.99) New technology lets you lean back and put your hands behind your head as the book does all the work. What’s it about? It doesn’t matter, just enjoy.
  5. Time to Die James Mercer (Uptown, $14.99) A guide to post-retirement.
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