Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 7, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 7, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. The Cabin Behind The Cabin Harriett Miller (Doubleday, $27.99) In this stirring memoir, Miller recounts her childhood growing up in a log cabin next to another, different log cabin.
  2. The Berenstain Bears Drive Down Neighborhood Property Values Stan and Jan Berenstain (Random House, $8.99) After a family of ravenous, 400-pound bears moves into the cul-de-sac, no one can sell their goddamn house.
  3. State Lottery Supersystem Walter ‘Connecticut Slim’ Lester (Cardoza Publishing, $20.00) The lottery pro shares some of his favorite can’t-lose strategies such as “your kids’ birthdays” and “numbers that came to you in a dream.”
  4. Gimme The Pink Ovals On Brown Bread Roger Mitchell (Penguin, $17.95) A list of the different ways you can tell the deli guy you want ham on whole wheat.
  5. Who’s A Good Boy? Benjamin Puckle (Viking, $21.90) It’s the dog.

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