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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of November 26, 2012

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Go, Fucking Dog, Go: An I Can Read It All By My Goddamn Self Book P.D. Eastman (Random House, $11.99) The classic children’s tale is now punctuated with profanity for parents who like that sort of thing.
  2. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99) Containing more than 500 tons of information, this definitive encyclopedia of all worldly facts in existence is the most essential and authoritative book ever written in the history of human civilization.
  3. 2012 Zoning And Subdivision Regulations For Westport, Connecticut Westport City Council (City of Westport, $35.99) This hot new volume of residential, commercial, and industrial construction and use laws blows the 2011 edition right out of the water.
  4. Delilah’s Last Dance Madeline Thompson (Random House, $21.99) In case you can’t figure it out, Delilah has cancer.
  5. The Walking Dead And Zombies Robert Kirkman (Image Comics, $24.99) This zombie-zombie mashup asks what would happen if the living dead encountered even more zombies.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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