Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14

 This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

The Bible But Without Letters To The Corinthians
(ESV Bibles, $12.99)
All the goodness of the Holy Book without the wordy, blowhard letters to those good-for-nothing Corinthians.

Dr. Sleep
Stephen King (Scribner, $22.99)
Now grown up, Danny, the boy with psycho-intuitive powers in <i>The Shining</i>, helps another child with a spectacular gift: a 2013 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge
The Onion (Little, Brown, $20.00)
The most essential and authoritative  book  ever written in the history  of  human civilization, this august encyclopedia— now available in paperback—features thousands of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet and contains more than 500 tons of information. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

Miles Of Smiles Dental Employee Handbook 
(Miles Of Smiles Dental)
Shorts, tank tops, and open-toe shoes are not permitted.

Lincoln's Hospital Stay
Frank Hopp (Hachette, $17.00)
We all know Lincoln died in a house, but Frank Hopp wonders what would happen if he died in a hospital?

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