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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 30, 2012

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. The Bible (Random House, $21.99) A new edition of the sacred text that includes more Esau than ever.
  2. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99) Containing all the knowledge that exists on earth, from “abortion” to “ZZ Top,” this is the only book that anyone will ever need to own, and in all likelihood, the last book that will ever be printed.
  3. The Complete Guide To Personal Finance Tamsen Butler (Atlantic, $13.95) Your dad meant well when he gave you this.
  4. The Hairstylist With Pudding Hands Lucy McCallum (Penguin, $17.95) The hairstylist doesn’t really have pudding hands, but by the time the phrase comes up in the book, it makes sense.
  5. Guinness World Records 2013 Guinness World Records (Guinness World Records, $28.95) Huh, looks like Lou from Legal really did make the world’s largest falafel.

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