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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Hands Of Salvation Dean Koontz (Bantam, $21.95) Weston McKay is blessed with an extraordinary power and curse: His right hand can cure any sick person through touch alone, but then his left hand automatically slaps the person’s face really hard.
  2. Stairway To Heaven: The Life And Loves Of George Harrison Mitch Furback (Simon & Schuster, $23.99) A book whose author knows what you’re about to say, and he doesn’t care. The title works, damn it.
  3. Complacent George H. A. Rey (HMH Books for Young Readers, $13.98) George sees a blue kite float by and doesn’t really care where it came from.
  4. Law Man In Some Hot Water John Grisham (Doubleday, $23.99) A law man catches his boss doing something unethical, and now he has to run around so bad people don’t catch and hurt him.
  5. Weirdo Creep To Hero Melvin Atwood (Penguin, $20.99) A biography about Nelson Mandela and his journey from a weirdo creep boy to a hero adult.

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