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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Hands Of Salvation Dean Koontz (Bantam, $21.95) Weston McKay is blessed with an extraordinary power and curse: His right hand can cure any sick person through touch alone, but then his left hand automatically slaps the person’s face really hard.
  2. Stairway To Heaven: The Life And Loves Of George Harrison Mitch Furback (Simon & Schuster, $23.99) A book whose author knows what you’re about to say, and he doesn’t care. The title works, damn it.
  3. Complacent George H. A. Rey (HMH Books for Young Readers, $13.98) George sees a blue kite float by and doesn’t really care where it came from.
  4. Law Man In Some Hot Water John Grisham (Doubleday, $23.99) A law man catches his boss doing something unethical, and now he has to run around so bad people don’t catch and hurt him.
  5. Weirdo Creep To Hero Melvin Atwood (Penguin, $20.99) A biography about Nelson Mandela and his journey from a weirdo creep boy to a hero adult.

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