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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Hands Of Salvation Dean Koontz (Bantam, $21.95) Weston McKay is blessed with an extraordinary power and curse: His right hand can cure any sick person through touch alone, but then his left hand automatically slaps the person’s face really hard.
  2. Stairway To Heaven: The Life And Loves Of George Harrison Mitch Furback (Simon & Schuster, $23.99) A book whose author knows what you’re about to say, and he doesn’t care. The title works, damn it.
  3. Complacent George H. A. Rey (HMH Books for Young Readers, $13.98) George sees a blue kite float by and doesn’t really care where it came from.
  4. Law Man In Some Hot Water John Grisham (Doubleday, $23.99) A law man catches his boss doing something unethical, and now he has to run around so bad people don’t catch and hurt him.
  5. Weirdo Creep To Hero Melvin Atwood (Penguin, $20.99) A biography about Nelson Mandela and his journey from a weirdo creep boy to a hero adult.

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