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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program

KHUMBU, NEPAL—On the strength of the location’s generous tax credits, cash rebates on production costs, and fee-free onsite filming, more than half of major Hollywood motion pictures are now being shot at the summit of Mount Everest, the weekly trade magazine Variety reported Friday. “Originally we’d planned to shoot our new Josh Duhamel rom-com in Toronto, but when we considered the financial package offered by [Everest’s] Advanced Base Camp, we realized we could film the whole thing there at 60 percent of the cost. Assuming the cast and crew survive the ascent up the Khumbu Icefall, how do you say no to that kind of deal?” said Sony Pictures executive Evan Green, who is currently producing a Joel Schumacher–directed courtroom drama, a superhero franchise sequel, a raunchy teen sex romp, and a film adaptation of the Broadway musical Nice Work If You Can Get It that are all slated to be filmed at the Hillary Step, a sheer four-story rock wall located 28,750 feet above sea level. “Sometimes a little script tinkering is needed to work in the fact that everyone’s wearing oxygen tanks and 50 pounds of climbing gear, but given the incredible savings it’s nothing you can’t smooth out in post.” Green added that the company hopes to begin shooting an Edwardian-era period drama at Camp IV on the southeast ridge as soon as the actors’ swollen limbs reduce to normal size and they stop coughing up blood.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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