adBlockCheck

Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation

Top Headlines

Politics

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation

NEW YORK—Although his lack of charisma and charm has lately prevented the Arizona senator from grabbing front-page headlines, the tenets of journalistic objectivity made it necessary today to publish a top news story on Republican presidential candidate John McCain.

According to the newspaper's editors, the decision to run the story came after they realized that they had not printed a cover story about Sen. McCain (R-AZ) in a number of months, despite the distinct possibility that he could become the leader of the free world for the next four to eight years.

Some of the publication's employees said they recalled a recent profile on McCain's military service—also run out of obligation—but archival records revealed that piece was published in April 2007. While other articles published in recent weeks have referred to McCain, today's story marks a conscious effort to focus on John McCain and only John McCain, and to mention John McCain's name whenever possible.

Sen. John McCain, and not an exciting war scene or raging wildfire, shown above.

"John McCain is one of only two men who has a chance to become president of the United States of America, and by running an entire 600-word article about him, we are acknowledging that we are aware of that fact," a statement from the newspaper's editorial board read in part. "Even though we are certain that the presence of Sen. McCain's name and image on the front page will result in a decrease in reader interest, sales, and web traffic, running this story was, regrettably, the right thing to do."

"On the plus side, it gives us the opportunity to wait two more months before we feel pressured to write another lead story on the senator," the statement continued.

To make room for the McCain article, a story about Vice President Dick Cheney and 9/11 was relegated to a less prominent position on the front page.

Sources confirmed that the primary placement of the McCain article also serves to bolster the publication's reputation as a legitimate paper of record, one that is above being swayed by the hypnotic effect of other, more dynamic public figures who are younger, more visually pleasing, and more adept at garnering media attention.

"Featuring this article was a bold move, and the result is—though completely uninteresting—quite impressive," media critic Tim Keller said. "They have printed a headline that includes McCain's name, put it in a bolded, 48-point font size, and accompanied it with a significant amount of text and a large color photograph of the senator. It takes a strong sense of professional responsibility to commit to something like this."

"Granted, nobody's actually going to read the story," Keller added.

The completion of the article, however, proved far more difficult than expected. Approximately two-thirds of the way through, the legitimate news content grew thin, and several last-ditch efforts were made to increase the length of the story, including a crude listing of pertinent or interesting facts and background information on McCain.

John McCain was born at the Coco Solo Naval Air Station in the Panama Canal Zone. John McCain attended Episcopal High School, a private boarding school in Alexandria, VA. John McCain was captured and taken prisoner in Vietnam on Oct. 26, 1967. John McCain hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live with musical guest the White Stripes in 2002.

In a clear attempt to fill the remaining space on the jump page, the article then presented a dissenting opinion from an outside source on several points made previously in the story.

"If you have to convince the reading public that the story you want to publish is a top story, then it's not a top story," said New York University journalism professor Greg Hillman. "There is obviously a reason the newspaper decided that McCain had done little up to this point to warrant front-page coverage. Perhaps that's the story right there."

Toward its conclusion, the article began to stretch for even more information to pad the piece, at one point mentioning John McCain's age (72), his years in the Senate (21), and his wife's name (Cindy Hensley McCain, born Cindy Lou Hensley) for the sole purpose of adding 49 words.

"Maybe they should have quoted an average citizen to make the article a bit more relatable to readers," said Akron, OH resident Mark Casali, 32. "But I doubt he'd really have anything interesting to say."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close