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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Top Suspects In Shooting Of Obnoxious White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski

Police are still building their list of initial suspects, a process made more difficult by many of those questions loudly insisting they "wished they killed the loudmouth bastard." Here are some of the most promising leads:

Ron Gardenhire
Accused Pierzynski of attempting to spike Twins first baseman Justin Morneau in 2007; was recently forced to listen to Pierzynski talk about the flames he painted on his car for twenty minutes.

Justin Mansel
The EMT reportedly began berating Pierzynski while responding to the first murder attempt after AJ repeatedly instructed him: "blast this ambo out of here, I'm a two-time all-star."

Dave Weeks
A groundskeeper for the White Sox from 1985-2007, Pierzynski falsely accused Weeks of drinking on the job and got him fired because he "thought it would be funny."

Stephanie Norris
During a 2005 appearance on a TNA Wrestling program, Pierzynski singled Norris out in the crowd and delayed the show with a 20-minute improvised "riff" calling Norris "beat like a dog."

Nick Deves
Has never spoken to Pierzynski, but saw him strutting around in a Chicago-area mall like he was King Shit and would have strangled him right there if he hadn't been with his infant daughter at the time.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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