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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Top Suspects In Shooting Of Obnoxious White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski

Police are still building their list of initial suspects, a process made more difficult by many of those questions loudly insisting they "wished they killed the loudmouth bastard." Here are some of the most promising leads:

Ron Gardenhire
Accused Pierzynski of attempting to spike Twins first baseman Justin Morneau in 2007; was recently forced to listen to Pierzynski talk about the flames he painted on his car for twenty minutes.

Justin Mansel
The EMT reportedly began berating Pierzynski while responding to the first murder attempt after AJ repeatedly instructed him: "blast this ambo out of here, I'm a two-time all-star."

Dave Weeks
A groundskeeper for the White Sox from 1985-2007, Pierzynski falsely accused Weeks of drinking on the job and got him fired because he "thought it would be funny."

Stephanie Norris
During a 2005 appearance on a TNA Wrestling program, Pierzynski singled Norris out in the crowd and delayed the show with a 20-minute improvised "riff" calling Norris "beat like a dog."

Nick Deves
Has never spoken to Pierzynski, but saw him strutting around in a Chicago-area mall like he was King Shit and would have strangled him right there if he hadn't been with his infant daughter at the time.

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