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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Top Suspects In Shooting Of Obnoxious White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski

Police are still building their list of initial suspects, a process made more difficult by many of those questions loudly insisting they "wished they killed the loudmouth bastard." Here are some of the most promising leads:

Ron Gardenhire
Accused Pierzynski of attempting to spike Twins first baseman Justin Morneau in 2007; was recently forced to listen to Pierzynski talk about the flames he painted on his car for twenty minutes.

Justin Mansel
The EMT reportedly began berating Pierzynski while responding to the first murder attempt after AJ repeatedly instructed him: "blast this ambo out of here, I'm a two-time all-star."

Dave Weeks
A groundskeeper for the White Sox from 1985-2007, Pierzynski falsely accused Weeks of drinking on the job and got him fired because he "thought it would be funny."

Stephanie Norris
During a 2005 appearance on a TNA Wrestling program, Pierzynski singled Norris out in the crowd and delayed the show with a 20-minute improvised "riff" calling Norris "beat like a dog."

Nick Deves
Has never spoken to Pierzynski, but saw him strutting around in a Chicago-area mall like he was King Shit and would have strangled him right there if he hadn't been with his infant daughter at the time.

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