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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official

TOPEKA, KS—As of Tuesday, Topeka mayor William Bunten, 74, is the nation's highest-ranking Republican official not facing indictment or public reprimand. "I have always prided myself on running a clean campaign, a clean office, and cleaning house when necessary," Bunten said. "However, I have no comment on the charges facing my party's leadership, fundraising apparatus, known associates, or advisory staff." Bunten is the highest-ranked non-indicted Republican since 1974, when Hansen County, SD schoolboard secretary Cal Albright was forced to stand in as the president of the United States for two years.

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