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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tormented TBS Producer Wonders Why 'Steve Harvey Show' Was First Thing Out Of Mouth During Game 6 Technical Difficulties

ATLANTA—Producer Greg Porto was unable to explain why on earth it occurred to him to air The Steve Harvey Show in place of the ALCS during a router failure at TBS headquarters in Atlanta. "I just—it just came out before I could stop it," said a visibly shaken Porto this past Saturday, wandering out of his building a full four innings before the game ended.

"I've never even seen The Steve Harvey Show. To be honest, I didn't know if we had the rights to it. There was just this moment, this nanosecond of perfect clarity, when I knew that I had to broadcast The Steve Harvey Show to an audience of millions expecting one of the biggest baseball games they had ever seen. I immediately regretted it, of course, but you live with your decisions. Dear God." Porto went on to say that if he had to do it all over again, he definitely would have shown an episode of Tyler Perry's House Of Payne or, at the very least, My Boys.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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