Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage

'It Was Personal Yet Not At All Exploitive,' Victims Agree

WINDSOR, NC—Still struggling to cope in the aftermath of an F3 tornado that ripped through town last week, citizens expressed gratitude to this newspaper for its meritorious in-depth coverage of the tragedy, lauding the publication's ability to deliver aggressive reporting while remaining sensitive to the victims' humanity.

Though the tornado claimed 46 lives and caused more than $40 million in property damage, many in this devastated community told reporters Monday they could take solace in the fact that such a responsible news organization was on site to contribute hard-hitting yet pointed commentary that skillfully captured every nuance of the storm's ruinous toll.

"Beginning with the speed and accuracy of their initial coverage, you could tell this newspaper cared only about reporting the story fairly and thoroughly, and was not interested in exploiting our suffering for cheap spectacle or personal gain," said former bank teller Amber Devoe, who later grew emotional talking about The Onion's touching three-part feature on her family's plight. "They truly illuminated a significant and complex event with lucid writing and a sensitive presentation."

"I've lost everything—my home, my job, everything," Devoe added. "But this newspaper's unwavering commitment to first-rate journalism has given me the courage to continue on."

Though townspeople remained in a state of shock, they spent most of Monday applauding the news organization's "poignant," "classy," and "often brilliant" coverage of the storm. Explaining that they never felt taken advantage of, citizens said they hoped the newspaper would return repeatedly for follow-up stories, adding that they already missed watching reporters do their fantastic work.

In addition, every single person interviewed agreed that reading the newspaper's coverage of the event was the one thing that gave them comfort.

"With my world crumbling around me, the paper's consistent display of journalistic excellence and its evenhanded touch of humanity was something to look forward to," said Roy Brusckewicz, 56, standing by the splintered remains of his old trailer, which he said was "artfully profiled" in the newspaper's Onion Magazine. "I appreciated the special emphasis they placed on investigating all aspects of the story, from the tornado's human toll to its effect on the local economy and culture. Really great stuff."

The news organization, with 3.6 million print readers in 11 cities nationwide and a website that attracts more than 7.5 million unique visitors every month, is not just confined to traditional media: Its expansive social networking presence and recent launch of mobile apps are a testament to the newspaper's embrace of new technologies and its willingness to innovate in tandem with the changing face of journalism, sources reported.

To date, the newspaper has received a number of awards for its excellence, with one notable exception.

"Typically, after the reporting of such a tragedy, praise is heaped onto less deserving publications, such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, and the Chicago Tribune," said livestock farmer Colin Atkins, whose livelihood was decimated by the twister. "This town will feel the effects of this tragedy for decades, but the real injustice would be if those piss-poor excuses for newspapers I just mentioned didn't lose readers and precious ad dollars due to their incompetent coverage."

Atkins, who lost both his sons in the tornado, continued to rail against such media organizations, suggesting that while other reporters might get more attention with their flashy journalism degrees and their bylines, the writers of this newspaper are the only ones who truly empathized with the community's plight.

"All we did was get hit by a tornado—they're the real heroes," he said. "In recognition of their public service, they deserve some sort of prestigious national prize in journalism."

Added Atkins, "You know, if such a thing exists."

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