Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage

'It Was Personal Yet Not At All Exploitive,' Victims Agree

WINDSOR, NC—Still struggling to cope in the aftermath of an F3 tornado that ripped through town last week, citizens expressed gratitude to this newspaper for its meritorious in-depth coverage of the tragedy, lauding the publication's ability to deliver aggressive reporting while remaining sensitive to the victims' humanity.

Though the tornado claimed 46 lives and caused more than $40 million in property damage, many in this devastated community told reporters Monday they could take solace in the fact that such a responsible news organization was on site to contribute hard-hitting yet pointed commentary that skillfully captured every nuance of the storm's ruinous toll.

"Beginning with the speed and accuracy of their initial coverage, you could tell this newspaper cared only about reporting the story fairly and thoroughly, and was not interested in exploiting our suffering for cheap spectacle or personal gain," said former bank teller Amber Devoe, who later grew emotional talking about The Onion's touching three-part feature on her family's plight. "They truly illuminated a significant and complex event with lucid writing and a sensitive presentation."

"I've lost everything—my home, my job, everything," Devoe added. "But this newspaper's unwavering commitment to first-rate journalism has given me the courage to continue on."

Though townspeople remained in a state of shock, they spent most of Monday applauding the news organization's "poignant," "classy," and "often brilliant" coverage of the storm. Explaining that they never felt taken advantage of, citizens said they hoped the newspaper would return repeatedly for follow-up stories, adding that they already missed watching reporters do their fantastic work.

In addition, every single person interviewed agreed that reading the newspaper's coverage of the event was the one thing that gave them comfort.

"With my world crumbling around me, the paper's consistent display of journalistic excellence and its evenhanded touch of humanity was something to look forward to," said Roy Brusckewicz, 56, standing by the splintered remains of his old trailer, which he said was "artfully profiled" in the newspaper's Onion Magazine. "I appreciated the special emphasis they placed on investigating all aspects of the story, from the tornado's human toll to its effect on the local economy and culture. Really great stuff."

The news organization, with 3.6 million print readers in 11 cities nationwide and a website that attracts more than 7.5 million unique visitors every month, is not just confined to traditional media: Its expansive social networking presence and recent launch of mobile apps are a testament to the newspaper's embrace of new technologies and its willingness to innovate in tandem with the changing face of journalism, sources reported.

To date, the newspaper has received a number of awards for its excellence, with one notable exception.

"Typically, after the reporting of such a tragedy, praise is heaped onto less deserving publications, such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, and the Chicago Tribune," said livestock farmer Colin Atkins, whose livelihood was decimated by the twister. "This town will feel the effects of this tragedy for decades, but the real injustice would be if those piss-poor excuses for newspapers I just mentioned didn't lose readers and precious ad dollars due to their incompetent coverage."

Atkins, who lost both his sons in the tornado, continued to rail against such media organizations, suggesting that while other reporters might get more attention with their flashy journalism degrees and their bylines, the writers of this newspaper are the only ones who truly empathized with the community's plight.

"All we did was get hit by a tornado—they're the real heroes," he said. "In recognition of their public service, they deserve some sort of prestigious national prize in journalism."

Added Atkins, "You know, if such a thing exists."